Addiction: another way of looking at denial

What exactly is denial?

Denial is often a word used by other people, or by the part of us that feels guilty about something we do.

Denial is the stage where we still find it hard to become fully aware of the negative consequences our habit has on us and/or on those around us.

What's more, denial doesn't only apply to an individual with harmful behaviours (addiction, aggression, violence, isolation); it also exists at the level of society (pollution, overproduction, overuse of plastic, abuse of power, etc.)

The signs of denial…

How do I know if I'm in denial?

It isn't an easy question and, as far as addiction is concerned, I don't think it's the most relevant question either…

But imagine I suggested you take this test to find out whether or not you have an addiction, and part of you didn't want to take it (fear of the result and of the emotions that result might stir up, not wanting to think about it even though you are reading this article): it may be that part of you is in denial…

Take the online addiction test →

Here are a few more concrete signs of this often misunderstood feeling:

• Avoidance: it's a subject that stirs up fears and anxiety, and I'd rather avoid it, along with the emotions it brings up in me (unease, fears, frustration, etc.)
• Permissive thoughts: I always find a whole heap of good reasons to carry on with this habit ("you have to die of something"; "carpe diem"; etc.)
• Minimising: I play down the scale or frequency of my behaviour ("it's not that bad", "I could do worse", "it's still reasonable")
• Social comparison: I reassure myself by comparing myself with people who go "further" than I do ("I'm not like so-and-so", "I handle it better than others")
• Illusion of control: I'm convinced I can stop whenever I really decide to ("I can stop whenever I want", "it's not a real dependency")
• Shifting responsibility: I put my behaviour down to outside causes rather than to myself (stress, work, the people around me, "it's the fault of…")
• Endless postponing: I keep putting off the moment to question myself or to act ("after this busy period", "next year", "when things are calmer")
• Focusing on the immediate benefits: I only think about the instant relief or pleasure, blotting out the medium- and long-term consequences
• Concealment / isolation: I hide or downplay my behaviour with those close to me, I withdraw on this particular subject
• Defensive reaction: I become irritable, defensive or closed off as soon as someone raises the subject with me

More on permissive thoughts →

What can make denial last?

Society's "positive myths"

You only have to go to the cinema or listen to a few song lyrics to realise how widely drinking or using substances is still associated with positive personality traits.

And the consumer society amplifies this phenomenon even further, working hard, ad after ad, to lull us into the illusion: "I consume, therefore I am".

Alcohol as a synonym for strength and masculinity: a James Bond or a Lucifer drinking throughout the film while keeping the physique of an Apollo, superhuman physical abilities and an extra-sharp mind to save the world… believable or not?

Cigarettes and joints as a synonym for the cool rebel artist: like a Bob Marley, a Snoop Dogg or a Serge Gainsbourg, many artists and dreamers have bought into the idea that smoking would make them cool. Here too, a caricature far removed from reality for most of us.

Drugs as symbols of a rock'n'roll, carefree and free spirit: from the Beats (Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg) and the hippies through to the Rolling Stones, many have reinforced the belief that using could free them from "the system" and from society. A costly illusion that has created a great many things — except more freedom!

Fear of what others think

Admitting your addiction, for example, means taking the risk of being judged, rejected or abandoned by others. Society's view of addiction is often very judgemental: it sees it as a "lack of willpower" or a "weakness".

And yet many men and women have brought great riches to our world, even though, throughout their lives or at some point in them, they suffered from one or more addictions:

• Edith Piaf: legendary voice of French chanson — dependent on morphine and alcohol.
• Lise Meitner: physicist of nuclear fission, dependent on stimulants.
• Robin Williams: actor of genius — addicted to alcohol and cocaine.
• Ray Charles: pioneer of soul — dependent on heroin.
• William Stewart Halsted: father of modern surgery — dependent on cocaine + morphine.
• Sigmund Freud: founder of psychoanalysis, dependent on cocaine.
• Winston Churchill: heroic political leader of 1940, dependent on alcohol.
• Andre Agassi: tennis legend, addicted to methamphetamine.

Lacking the tools to face reality

For many, denial also tends to persist because reality seems so hard and painful that they would rather keep avoiding it, until they come up against the prospect of death or destruction:

• a serious health problem
• suicidal thoughts
• the death of someone close
• a painful separation

Change happens when the pain of not changing becomes greater than the fear of changing.

So for some, it takes a wake-up call. And unfortunately that wake-up call is often painful… but sometimes necessary. Of course, for family and friends, this is something very hard, even impossible, to hear.

NB. Here, by the way, are some recommendations for family and friends on how best to support a loved one through their addiction.

For family and friends: codependence, powerlessness and the systemic view →

What are the next steps?

I've already understood that I was in denial… OK, great, but what do I do next?

1. First, let go of the guilt

First, let go of the guilt about this potential addiction. Guilt can be a trigger for changing things, but it is certainly not a tool for getting out of addiction. Our best tool remains, above all, understanding how we work.

Why can't I stop? →

2. Adopt a better stance

Then understand how to adopt a better stance towards the addiction, precisely so as not to simply endure it, or beat yourself up and feel even worse. And the simplest way I know is to think of addiction as a wolf trap…

How to respond to an addiction: the image of the wolf trap →

To take things further afterwards, I invite you to read these other articles:

Your own cocktail of motivations →

Watching consciously: the yoga of choice and freedom →

Craving: the wave that rises, and comes back down →